How do I trust again?

I think the one thing about putting yourself out there again is learning how to trust again. How do I let someone new in, let alone trust someone new, when I still haven’t healed from the hurt caused by the last person I let in?

I don’t.

A Lattè a day keeps the brain going, lol.

Learning to open up and trust again is possibly one of the most annoying things ever, especially if you’re as lazy as I am because it requires WORK. Not only does it require work but it requires you to be very open and honest with yourself.

I am very guilty of tricking myself into believing I am over someone when in all honestly I’m not. Lol, and then the messed up part is that I’d be hurting nobody but myself by doing that. I always try by all means to be as honest and open with myself in the healing process because I am such a firm believer that if you do something right the first time, you don’t have to go back to it again and start all over.

I’ve been single and by myself for a while now and it has really given me time to let go and try to move on, BOY has it been a difficult time, lol but I am so happy with where I am right now and the progress that I have made. My biggest obstacle at the moment? Is learning how to allow someone new in my life again, purely because I have become very protective and aware of my personal space, the people around me and the energy that they bring.

Now, being protective and aware makes you very paranoid at times because you start seeing things that aren’t even there and it tends to get a little bit lonely because you’re so closed off. Change of behavior and ways of interacting have been two of the many things that have helped me in learning how to seek out the good from the bad and really just keep positive energy around me.

In my recent interactions and meeting new people I started noticing that I always prepare for the worst case scenario, I already expect to be disappointed by that particular person and after reflecting on this I realized that I can’t always expect the worst from someone because it only ever paints a bad image of that particular person, now I’m not saying ignore the negatives about a person but don’t only pay attention to them alone.

Allowing someone new into your life requires you to not let the past dictate how you should now treat them. Yes, take the lessons learnt and let those lessons help you but do not let them be a defining or controlling factor.

I hope you find the courage to move on, to allow yourself to love and be loved, most importantly to be able to trust again. I know I have found that courage and I couldn’t be happier.

I love you and thank you for reading x

Letting go..

“I’d rather get used to your absence than be frustrated by your presence” I think about this quote a lot.

How do you even begin to let go of someone who has become a huge part of your everyday life? I have always found it so bizarre how we can go from talking to each other multiple times a day to not talking at all.

Took this snap, I thought it was cool. Might’ve done something, or maybe not. Lol.

I think what is important about letting go is realizing what you will gain from doing so, if the pros outweigh the cons then usahlaleleni? Don’t get me wrong, it is not an easy task and possibly one of the most heartbreaking things one has to go through, especially if you were fond of that person. We work so hard to find our peace to allow it to be disturbed by someone who is merely passing by.

My understanding of that some friendships/relationships are seasonal has really played a huge role in me allowing myself to let go of certain people and situations. In most cases, that person came into your life for that period to give you something to take on in your journey of growth.

My biggest mistake has been planning a future with the aforementioned people who were only meant to be in my life for a season, and the hack is that I always notice the red flags pretty early but because I try not to think the worst of someone, I let it slide.

Certain people show you who they are and what they’re about the instant we meet them but because we are too preoccupied with the attention we are getting, we miss it. The lovely thing is that they will show you again who they are and what they’re about and you will have a “ahha” moment because man this behavior is seeming abit too familiar.

Knowing when to let go of someone comes from how they treat you and how you want to be treated, the direction you want to take and the direction they’re taking you. Do not let anyone lead you astray mntase.

I hope you find the courage to let go of the things and/or people that will not get you to where you want to be.

I love you, and thank you for reading x

YOU ARE NOT DOING ME A FAVOUR

Fat/body shaming has been something I have experienced ever since I could remember. Body shaming, to those who don’t know or let me say who refuse to know, is the act of expressing mockery or criticism about a person’s body size or shape. I never thought that I would grow to be an adult and experience body shaming as an adult from someone who I am dating.

“If you are ashamed of me then why are you dating me?” A question which was quickly answered by, “I am doing you a favour, because no one likes fat boys”

I tried so hard to understand why “no one likes fag boys”, I looked at myself, I tried to find what was wrong with me but then I realized that I was looking for a problem where there wasn’t a problem.

I realized that most of the people I had dated before then considered dating me as doing me a favor ndaqonda uk’ba hha.aa mahn. I further realized that I had allowed it to happen to me, I had allowed for them to think that they are doing me a favour by thinking less of myself which allowed them to project onto me.

I am aware of my body size and I don’t think anyone who feels the need to constantly remind you has your best interest at heart. In most cases, most of them are projecting their own insecurities onto you because, “how dare he be that big and be so happy about it?” Bugqwirha lobo sana in its purest form.

I am what I am, and I am AWARE of it. Do not try make me look at myself in a negative light because that is how you look at yourself. Deal with your demons, but keep me out of it.

You are NOT doing me a favour.

Love and light x

Have our childhood traumas shaped who and where we are today?

Many of us go through so many traumatic experiences in our childhood, well I personally have.

I am an over thinker and I question almost everything, and recently I have been questioning whether my childhood traumas have influenced the way I live my adult life.

My understanding of trauma is that it is an experience which is disturbing or causes a great amount of stress. Growing up I never shared most of the traumas with my parents nor any of my friends, I mostly kept it to myself and tried very hard to forget about, but do you really ever forget? The one thing I have learnt about trying to forget is that you actually never do, and the worst part is that it creeps up on you when you least expect it and for me that causes me such a great deal of anxiety, do you understand umgowo ongawazi uvelaphi? The absolute worst. Through consultation and introspection I have found that as I grow older, I have to deal with those traumas in order to heal and grow from them.

Most of who I am and how I do certain things today is a result of those traumas. For instance, I don’t like eating in public and the main reason for that is because growing up as a stufuza (cute fat baby boy, lol) I would always get the “oh you shouldn’t be eating that” eye from anyone who saw me eating and it just made the whole eating out thing uncomfortable for me. It took me quite a while to get used to being comfortable in a restaurant and ordering something off the menu that I actually want to eat, no matter how unhealthy or big the serving was and just not care about it.

It is so easy to allow those childhood traumas to dictate how you should live your life as an adult. You find yourself holding back on certain situations, places or activities because of that and you don’t even realize it at first.

Don’t let your past dictate how you should live in the present because your future will regret it.

Happy Sunday x